Tuesday February 23rd
Weight unknown, items ironed uncountable but must be in three figures.
8 pm. Have spent last two days ironing everything Colin owns and checking for lost buttons, broken zips etc. Do not want Una thinking he left me due to incompetent man maintenance. Have also bought him new toothbrush and cord for dressing gown (currently he ties it up with the starter cord from the old lawnmower, handle dangles down in front most unpleasantly).

Will Una ever see him in his dressing gown? Quite likely, as he is currently getting out of bed at lunchtime and watching TV for several hours in his pyjamas. Once dressed he goes to the shed with the cordless phone and a torch so he can phone Bridget and tell her what a terrible person I am. Meanwhile I am steaming creases into his underpants and checking that he’s got razorblades, just in case he ever starts shaving again. Back aches now, will just have hot bath.

9 pm. Bath used to be simple matter of hot water and a few bubbles. These days have to put hair in rollers, put on face pack, scrub feet to remove hard skin and drench entire body in moisturiser once dry. More like military operation than relaxing soak. Exhausted. Going to bed.

Friday February 26th

What a week. Slipped out on Wednesday for a delicious lunch with J while C moved out, came back to find C trying to wrestle the lawnmower into the back of the car. That was the extent of his packing. I was tempted to say ‘won’t you need a few clothes? Is Una supplying pots and pans? Tea towels, washing up liquid? Loo roll, shampoo, carpet sweeper?’ but I thought no, let him find out the hard way that I’ve been a one-woman supply line all these years.

Sure enough, just before bedtime he was back for toothpaste, and half an hour later he popped back to ‘borrow’ a teaspoon of Horlicks. Next morning he wanted an egg, then rushed back for bread for the soldiers. After he left I got the butter from the fridge and left it on the doorstep – 10 minutes later it was gone.

Sunday February 28th
66 kilos, must be right as have checked several times as way of passing the time, and very odd as have hollow feeling inside so should weigh less.

6 pm Have had a very strange day, wandering round empty house looking at all the stuff that used to mean so much to me. Means nothing now. Phoned Una to check that C was OK and she said ‘he’s with Geoffrey, they’ve gone to Homebase for a lawnmower sparkplug. I don’t know how you stood it all those years Pam.’ Put the phone down quickly before I said anything disloyal to C. Feel bad enough already.

Spent last night with Julio again. Over dinner he gave me that smile of his, the one that makes the skin round his eyes crinkle up so charmingly, so back I went to his hotel. Not quite so, what shall I say, special as last time. The thing is, Colin was never very… and then in recent years he’s barely… so the upshot is I simply don’t have a frame of reference. Anyway as soon as it was over he said ‘oh I have just remembered, it is my mother’s birthday on Wednesday’ which rather put a dampener on things. Then this morning when I woke up he was already showered and shaved and just putting his socks on. Business meeting apparently. I said ‘on a Sunday?’ and he said ‘they are Japanese. I will tell room service to bring your breakfast.’

Feel discarded like an old glove. Found myself thinking of Bridget. I don’t suppose the modern young woman stands for that sort of treatment. Most likely she’s in bed right now with some man who wouldn’t dare put his socks on without her say-so.

Weight unknown, calories unknown, alcohol units 16 (but have 35 years of catching up to do), fulfilled fantasies just the one, but what a one.

16. 35 What a weekend. Started in dutiful parental mode, lunch with Bridget, at her most annoying too. Really she hasn’t changed since she was 6 so I had to sit through her endless complaints about work, boyfriends, her flat, while watching her chomp through all the most unhealthy things on the menu. Hang on, phone is bleeping.

16.40 Text from Julio. Silly boy. Where was I. Oh yes, I had intended to tell B about Julio but when she eventually got round to asking me how I was and what happened in Albufeira I was so irritated with her I simply didn’t want to confide, so denied everything. And all the while Julio was waiting patiently outside the coffee shop! Oh, phone again.

16.50 Julio again. Rather lovesick it seems. Anyway finally got away from loving daughter for wonderful afternoon, evening and, no more lies, all night, with J. Phone.

17.20 Called him back this time. Only so much you can say in a text. As soon as I got home this morning B was on the phone accusing me of mistreating Colin and taking a lover, etc etc. Quite something coming from a girl who has had more boyfriends than – well not hot dinners in her case, but let’s just say a lot of boyfriends. Trouble is, once you start telling little fibs they do start to grow. Pretended I had bumped into J. accidentally and anyway he was just a friend. Oh, can hear Colin’s car.

19.07 And why I wonder is it always mum’s cooker and dad’s car? He also over the years has owned the stereo system, the settee and the side of the bed with a reading lamp. I am allocated the contents of the kitchen, whoopdedoo. Specially the washing machine, which is so much mine Colin dare not touch it. No doubt that, rather than laziness, is why he’s just asked me to wash the filthy clothes he came home in – has been helping Geoffrey Alconbury clear out the granny flat, painting ceilings etc. I refused, which seems to have upset him more than our relationship breakdown. Let Una do it, since she is so keen to have him.

64 kilos. Amazing what stress does for calorie burning rate. Silver lining in every cloud it seems.

Life is so strange. Ever since Colin retired I’ve felt I was living in slow motion, now suddenly these last few days have been at warp speed. First thing Sunday morning Colin announced he was going to visit Bridget for lunch. I said I was going to visit Bridget for lunch. He said she was his daughter. I said she was my daughter. I said well I don’t care I am going anyway you may do as you please you usually do. While I was saying this he grabbed the car keys, ran out of the house and roared off in a cloud of exhaust. Phoned for a taxi to get to the station, none available. Thought of asking Una for a lift. Too humiliating. Phoned Bridget to cancel.

Found myself contemplating the long day ahead – too wet for gardening, nothing on TV, can’t face watching Four Weddings yet again. Sent a few texts, but everyone having lunch with everyone else apparently (strange that we are never invited. Still, aren’t a we any longer, so not relevant).

Suddenly decided to text Julio – just ‘hi how are you?’ Phone promptly made strange burbling noise, stopped, then did it again – eventually twigged it was ringing, so answered it – Julio! In London no less! Said he’d had a strange feeling that I needed him and besides, had to come to London on business anyway.

Wonderful lunch with him on Monday and afternoon wandering round London. Everything looks so different when you’re in… let’s just say when you’re happy. Definite signs of spring in Hyde Park, sun shining, birds singing.

Back to earth with a bump yesterday, with Colin mooning helplessly round the house, saying he would move out if he could, but where could he go? Roderick and Gerald apparently had offered their spare room but that didn’t appeal as there is a tarantula in a tank in the corner. Suddenly hit me that he had told them, and we would have to tell everyone else.

Braced myself and started phoning round. You either tell one person, (i.e. Mavis) and let them spread it, with embellishments, or tell everyone yourself. Went for the latter option, leaving Mavis till last. After a harrowing hour and a half I’d done it. Phone rang – Una, offering Colin the use of their redundant granny flat. Just give them a couple of days to tidy it up, full of items earmarked for charity shop plus garden furniture in winter storage, apparently. He brightened up no end when I told him – said ‘I’ll be able to do something about that lawn of theirs.’

Saturday February 13th

65 kilos. Can’t eat, keep throwing half my portion in the bin.
10.42 Yesterday morning C. suddenly said he was ready to talk. Sat him down and opened my mouth to repeat my list of complaints (it goes round and round in my head all day) but before I could make a sound he started. He said ‘I said talk, not listen, it’s my turn now.’ Can hardly bear to think of it. The things he said to me. Hang on, need a tissue.

10.44 Apparently he knew as I walked up the aisle it was a mistake, but ‘didn’t like to make a fuss.’ All very well, but he’s forgetting that I was there that day. He was so hungover from his stag night he had trouble standing straight and certainly was in no fit state to know anything. Was sick round the back of the church as soon as we got out, and looks like death in the photos. Need another tissue.

10.46 Accused me of micro-management. I said ‘and what, pray, might that be?’ He mumbled something. Obviously didn’t have the first idea what it was. Tissue.

10.49 So the upshot is we are to have a trial separation as he ‘needs some space.’ I said I wasn’t leaving the house, my conscience was clear and I’d kept my hand on my ha’penny all through the Julio business. When I think of the fun I could have had, it makes my blood boil.

2.00 Can’t settle to anything. Phoned Bridget, out as usual, but left message I would bring her lunch tomorrow. Salmon, always her favourite.

Thursday February 11th

07.30 Colin has been avoiding me. Spent most of Tuesday driving the Community Bus – very praiseworthy but hardly likely to save our marriage. I did an extra turn at the charity shop to take my mind off it. Was determined to catch him on Wednesday but he slipped out before dawn. Left a note saying he’d decided after all to go on the Probus trip to Chocolate World. Pure cowardice, he doesn’t even like chocolate, he’s left half a Snickers in the fridge since before Christmas. So I went shopping to cheer myself up – totally failed. Still I’ve foiled him today – I’m up first. The car keys are in my apron pocket.

09.12 After breakfast C. made a break for the shed, muttering about the state of the grass (shaved nearly bald actually) but I got between him and the back door and stared him down. He said ‘it’s that dripping tap, isn’t it, I’ll do it tomorrow I promise.’ I said ‘go in the lounge and sit down. I’ll be in in a minute.’ That was ten minutes ago. Am trying to nerve myself up to it.

18.37. Have been talking all day. Voice has gone. Both exhausted. C asleep on the sofa. Didn’t even stop for lunch, only stopped when Una phoned, very curious and asking awkard questions. Will have another frozen shepherd’s pie. It isn’t really convenience food, since I made it in the first place.

21.16 Phone kept ringing and ringing. Thought it was probably Una again. Finally thought I’d better answer before she came round, but it was Bridget. Made an excuse and hung up.

Calories almost zero, in fact was sick at bedtime yesterday so calories a minus figure.

08.27 What a terrible day yesterday, just terrible. Started well - sent brief text to Julio asking him to desist texting as I had to concentrate on rebuilding my marriage. Sure this was the right thing to do despite Colin being so emotionally distant (and grass clippings all over hall carpet yet again). Thought this would be the end of it and was in kitchen trying to recreate the fish stew we had in that little restaurant in the hills. Thought it would help C. feel included in the holiday (cockles the very devil to find locally, so left them out). Anyway C. was back in the house for something (see grass clippings above) and he heard my phone beep so picked it up.

Well they say an eavesdropper never hears anything good about himself and the same is true if you look at a person’s personal texts. It was a long one from Julio, professing his undying love for me and including ‘why you stay with that bad man? He no love you like I do’ which was very odd as Julio ’s English is perfect, pressure of emotion I suppose.

And suddenly we got emotion from Colin too, stormed into the kitchen in a towering rage, picked up the fish stew and threw it out onto the daffodil bed by the back door. Said he wasn’t going to eat adulterous food. I maintained, I am please to say, both calm and dignity, although inside I was seething. I said ‘so you completely ignore me when I tell you I am unhappy but at the first whiff of another man treating me like a human being instead of a doormat you turn into a raging bull. Well you can get your own lunch – I expect you can manage some choasted teese.’ I meant toasted cheese of course but by then the emotion was getting to me too.

C. said ‘choasted teese?’ and at that moment the phone rang – Bridget. I let Colin answer it while I went outside to try and save the daffodils – just coming into bud too. He followed me outside and said ‘Bridget wants to come for lunch.’ I said ‘fine, you are cooking’ so he went back in and put her off.

Silence for the rest of the day. He went out for fish and chips, I reheated one of the frozen dinners I made for him to eat while I was away. Too salty – from my tears.

Still not speaking this morning. Where will this end?

Managed to resist scales, although the morning feels all wrong without ritual weigh in. No interest in fantasies of any sort.

Was totally fed up with Talking Balls, full of strange words like hegemony and zeitgeist but is there anything about what to do when your husband has gone African Drumming with Roderick and Gerald, refuses to talk about issues (if that’s the right word) and instead tells you not to be such a ‘moaning Minnie’? No there is not. So got rid of it – left it in the Ladies at WI.

WI was a nightmare as it happens, Una full of stories about her grandchildren making a huge banner reading ‘Welcome home Nanna U’ and Audrey very strange, all pink and giggling. And when I was asked what I did on holiday I blushed and said ‘oh, it was a week ago, can hardly remember.’ Sylvia replied ‘Well Pam you are a little young for memory loss, anyway I hear Colin enjoyed himself. Before I could say how glad I was that my husband didn’t fall apart just because I had a little holiday she called the meeting to order and introduced the speaker – something about the History of the Doily, which normally I’d be interested in but was too mortified to listen.

Tried to phone Bridget again, must talk to someone but no answer, again. Where can she get to, no wonder her flat is always untidy. Phoned Una who did listen but then said grimly ‘count your blessings Pam, at least he’s not at you all the time.’ Phoned Audrey but she was rather breathless and I heard her whisper ‘in a minute darling, in a minute.’ So phoned Una again and she said ‘oh yes, I believe Nigel has rather come to heel since we went away. Look, why don’t you phone Elaine Darcy, that son of theirs is divorced, she may know what to say to you.’

Divorced! Surely she doesn’t think we. But then on the other hand. I really don’t know if I’m coming or going. And what am I going to do about all these texts from Julio?

Won’t weigh self today – book says weight obsession is function of patriarchy and not to be tolerated. Will compromise and cut down to once a week weighing.

19.33 Home alone all day. House is sparkling, laundry all done, kitchen back to rights. Opened freezer and found it still full of dinners I made for Colin to eat while I was away. Wept. Opened dustbin to dispose of kitchen rubbish and found it full of empty take away boxes. Threw kitchen rubbish at house in temper. House now has tomato sauce stain to left of kitchen door.

20.17 Braced myself and went into lounge to talk things through with C. Have spent all day rehearsing list of complaints – feel downtrodden, unloved, housework a bore, life no fun, Colin ignores me, no grandchildren, hate being old. At the end he said ‘but you know we can’t afford to run a second car’ and turned back to the TV.

20.19 Phoned Bridget. No answer.

20.21 Still no answer.

20.37 Still no answer. Will have a bath.

23.46 Finally got through to Bridget, who was crying because of something someone said at a dinner party. I said ‘you should count your…’ and she shouted ‘you never understand I’m going to phone Sharon’ and slammed the phone down.