10st 5, brand new scales also broken, cigarettes 0, fantasy cigarettes smoked with Hugh Grant 9

09.00 a.m. Flushed cigarettes down loo. Cleaned loo, bath, sink and bidet. Need cigarette. I know, will go and clean kitchen window.

1.45 p.m. Must iron cerise two-piece ready for Alconbury’s Turkey Curry Buffet. What a bore, but C. does insist on going every year. Will just phone Una and check what colour she’s wearing.

1.49 p.m. Una wearing fuchsia despite draining effect on older skin. Will iron lemon dress and jacket instead of cerise. Plus Una reminded me appalling Darcys were coming. I did tell Bridget but was she listening? Will just phone and remind her about hideous afternoon when their horrid boy made her cry in paddling pool. And now he's divorced – always knew he’d come to no good.

4.15 p.m. Why is Bridget always so keen to get off the phone? I am her mother after all. Reminded her about ghastly Mark Darcy, she made impatient noises and said she had something on the hob. Reminded her he was divorced. Sure she wasn’t listening. I know, will get Colin to tell her. She always was a daddy’s girl.