RESOLUTIONS
I WILL NOT
buy magazines with photos of skinny models
pretend to be natural blonde
keep reminding Colin about state of garage
have pointless fantasies about younger men
criticise Una’s clothes
believe anything ever said by charming young politician

I WILL
lose 10lbs
get roots done every 6 weeks
use pasta maker (or at least get out of box)
start spending savings as can’t take it with you
spend more time with Bridget
devote self to family
buy only organic food
find out what organic means
learn to get computer going myself instead of making Colin pick up emails for me

1 January

10st 4½ (wasting away due to maternal worry), fantasy grandchildren admired by Hugh Grant 3 (but resolutions never start before January 2nd), fantasy victory on Countdown 1.
6.30 p.m. We are going to be late, even though I got Colin into his freshly pressed casual slacks and new Argyll sweater over an hour ago. Instead of quietly reading the newspaper he (and I quote) ‘just thought he’d check the spark plug on the lawnmower.’ Result – grease not only on the slacks but on sweater too. Got him into his second best and put the nice clothes in a strong solution of biological powder to soak.

8.30 p.m. Where is Bridget? She promised me faithfully she would be here on time. I promised Una she would be here. If she doesn’t come it’ll look as if she doesn’t love her mother. Oh to hell with it, will just have another small sherry and… oh, they’re playing Elvis. Must dance.

1.30 a.m. Ooh, feel 16 again (but no acne). Danced all night, I think.

10st 5, brand new scales also broken, cigarettes 0, fantasy cigarettes smoked with Hugh Grant 9

09.00 a.m. Flushed cigarettes down loo. Cleaned loo, bath, sink and bidet. Need cigarette. I know, will go and clean kitchen window.

1.45 p.m. Must iron cerise two-piece ready for Alconbury’s Turkey Curry Buffet. What a bore, but C. does insist on going every year. Will just phone Una and check what colour she’s wearing.

1.49 p.m. Una wearing fuchsia despite draining effect on older skin. Will iron lemon dress and jacket instead of cerise. Plus Una reminded me appalling Darcys were coming. I did tell Bridget but was she listening? Will just phone and remind her about hideous afternoon when their horrid boy made her cry in paddling pool. And now he's divorced – always knew he’d come to no good.

4.15 p.m. Why is Bridget always so keen to get off the phone? I am her mother after all. Reminded her about ghastly Mark Darcy, she made impatient noises and said she had something on the hob. Reminded her he was divorced. Sure she wasn’t listening. I know, will get Colin to tell her. She always was a daddy’s girl.