Weight unknown, but must be huge after living off burgers and cake for a week. Guilty conscience alone must weigh several stones.
04.12 a.m. Can’t sleep. Can’t bear the thought of having to face Colin. How will Una face Geoffrey and Audrey face Nigel? We have all thrown away decades of dutiful wifely behaviour, and for what?
04.17 a.m. It was rather nice actually.
04.18 a.m. Is holding hands adultery? Is it grounds for divorce?
06.53 a.m. Have just realised I didn’t catch the sun at all. Can’t go home looking like I haven’t had a holiday – luckily brought some fake tan with me. Will just slap some on before we leave.
10.43 a.m. Have retreated to Ladies room at the airport to hide head in shame. Una has been showing me the photos on her digital camera, her and Audrey on the beach with the taxi driver and the waiter. And their wives. And their children. Their whole week has been perfectly innocent, all because they missed their grandchildren. They even babysat one evening so the waiter and the taxi driver could take their wives out, while I was, I was… can’t bear to think about it.
10.59 a.m. Have just spend 10 minutes trying to hand in book I found in the Ladies. Could not understand rudimentary English of person on the help desk, until American behind me said ‘excuse me ma’am, but what you have there is a Book Crossing book – the idea is you read it then leave it somewhere for another reader to find.’ So I have to keep it. Am not interested in football (or any other sport – with a title like Talking Balls who can tell?) but it will distract me on the flight.
18.12 Nearly home. Fake tan has turned orange. Will just have to brazen it out. Colin will only talk balls at me anyway – it’s what men do apparently (book was about feminism, not football). And apparently I need some Me time after years of being enslaved to men.
18.14 Have texted Julio. Would be nice to see him next time he’s in England.
Saturday 30 January 2010
Friday 29 January 2010
No need of scales, am perfect woman apparently, Hugh Grant fantasies 0, Colin Firth fantasies 0, real life events many.
08.33 a.m. Spent yesterday with Julio. Looked out of window after breakfast and there was his Merc, with him leaning casually against bonnet, immaculately dressed with lemon jumper slung round his shoulders. Looks just like Louis Jourdan in Three Coins in the Fountain. Wonderful day, but at the end told him I was happily married woman and not to come round here again.
08.47 a.m. Will just see if Audrey and Una are awake. Will spend the day with them and try to mend a few bridges.
08.48 a.m. Found a note in the kitchen ‘gone to the beach – enjoy your lie in. We’ll be near the beach café, do come and join us.’ Oh dear, really don’t fancy playing gooseberry to the pair of them with the waiter and the taxi driver. And look, there’s Julio waiting outside. Naughty boy. Will just go and tell him to give up, since I belong to another.
11.36 p.m. Another perfect day with a perfect gentleman. He calls me Pamela – not Pam or Pammy (sometimes catch Colin staring at me with puzzled expression, as if not entirely sure what I’m called). Julio opens the car door for me and helps me into my coat. We found a deserted beach and walked on it, holding hands. He gently removed my turban and somehow I didn’t care about the roots (hardly show anyway).
11.37 p.m. Am a scarlet woman. Just like Una and Audrey.
08.33 a.m. Spent yesterday with Julio. Looked out of window after breakfast and there was his Merc, with him leaning casually against bonnet, immaculately dressed with lemon jumper slung round his shoulders. Looks just like Louis Jourdan in Three Coins in the Fountain. Wonderful day, but at the end told him I was happily married woman and not to come round here again.
08.47 a.m. Will just see if Audrey and Una are awake. Will spend the day with them and try to mend a few bridges.
08.48 a.m. Found a note in the kitchen ‘gone to the beach – enjoy your lie in. We’ll be near the beach café, do come and join us.’ Oh dear, really don’t fancy playing gooseberry to the pair of them with the waiter and the taxi driver. And look, there’s Julio waiting outside. Naughty boy. Will just go and tell him to give up, since I belong to another.
11.36 p.m. Another perfect day with a perfect gentleman. He calls me Pamela – not Pam or Pammy (sometimes catch Colin staring at me with puzzled expression, as if not entirely sure what I’m called). Julio opens the car door for me and helps me into my coat. We found a deserted beach and walked on it, holding hands. He gently removed my turban and somehow I didn’t care about the roots (hardly show anyway).
11.37 p.m. Am a scarlet woman. Just like Una and Audrey.
Wednesday 27 January 2010
Wish there were scales here, have barely eaten a thing for 24 hours due to wifely worry, Maeve Binchy’s finished 2, husband dead in gutter fantasies too many to count.
07.14 am. What a terrible 24 hours. Spent all day yesterday trying to get in touch with Colin. Goodness knows what they thought of me in the café, constantly phoning. In the end in desperation I phoned Mavis Enderby and asked her to go round there. She said it was a bit late and she’d go in the morning.
10.47 am. Text from Mavis. ‘Colin fine, drank too much so stayed night with Roderick and Gerald, then spent the day at the driving range. Says you left 38 messages on the answering service and no need to fuss.’ What a relief. Colin is OK. Must have some breakfast.
11.02 am. Mmm, must admit the coffee here is good, and someone left a cake out in the kitchen. Need comfort food after what I’ve been through… wait a minute, stayed the night? STAYED THE NIGHT!!! And Mavis knows – I can just imagine what that mucky little mind of hers will make of that. It’ll be all round the village before I get home.
11.07 am. No need to fuss? NO NEED TO FUSS!!!
11.08 am That’s it. Have had enough. Will get bike out and find Una and Audrey, must be on the beach somewhere.
00.17 pm, or am? Thursday really, but who cares. Got lost, missed beach entirely and ended up with puncture by ruined castle inland somewhere. Rescued by knight, no shining armour, shining Mercedes though. Scooped me up, took me to lunch, showed me round local area, took me to dinner in quiet little place only the locals use, with live music. A bit screechy (fardo? farder?) but probably an acquired taste. Dropped me back here a few mins ago, Audrey popped head out of bedroom and said ‘there you are – we missed you at the café.’ I said ‘burger and chips?’ she said ‘yes’ and closed bedroom door.
07.14 am. What a terrible 24 hours. Spent all day yesterday trying to get in touch with Colin. Goodness knows what they thought of me in the café, constantly phoning. In the end in desperation I phoned Mavis Enderby and asked her to go round there. She said it was a bit late and she’d go in the morning.
10.47 am. Text from Mavis. ‘Colin fine, drank too much so stayed night with Roderick and Gerald, then spent the day at the driving range. Says you left 38 messages on the answering service and no need to fuss.’ What a relief. Colin is OK. Must have some breakfast.
11.02 am. Mmm, must admit the coffee here is good, and someone left a cake out in the kitchen. Need comfort food after what I’ve been through… wait a minute, stayed the night? STAYED THE NIGHT!!! And Mavis knows – I can just imagine what that mucky little mind of hers will make of that. It’ll be all round the village before I get home.
11.07 am. No need to fuss? NO NEED TO FUSS!!!
11.08 am That’s it. Have had enough. Will get bike out and find Una and Audrey, must be on the beach somewhere.
00.17 pm, or am? Thursday really, but who cares. Got lost, missed beach entirely and ended up with puncture by ruined castle inland somewhere. Rescued by knight, no shining armour, shining Mercedes though. Scooped me up, took me to lunch, showed me round local area, took me to dinner in quiet little place only the locals use, with live music. A bit screechy (fardo? farder?) but probably an acquired taste. Dropped me back here a few mins ago, Audrey popped head out of bedroom and said ‘there you are – we missed you at the café.’ I said ‘burger and chips?’ she said ‘yes’ and closed bedroom door.
Monday 25 January 2010
No scales in Alubfeira, so to hell with it, Hugh Grant fantasies 0, Colin Firth fantasies 2, murdering Una and Audrey fantasies 17
10.28 Still in bed, no sleep again last night, Audrey and Una giggling like schoolgirls till the early hours. Villa has one double room and one tiny single, which I have because, Una said ‘we know you like your privacy Pam’. Double room opens on to the balcony, single doesn’t, but don’t care as there is no view. Plus also no swimming pool, apparently we are going to swim in the sea. And apparently ‘we’ i.e. Audrey and Una decided not to hire a car, instead we’ve got bikes. Have not ridden a bike since school and don’t intend to start now.
12.37 Lunching in the villa off dry bread and apricot jam, which I also had for breakfast. Audrey and Una have gone down to the café at the end of the road (‘no point in spending the holiday cooking Pam’). Well I tried it last night, never again – all they had was a freezer full of burgers and chips. No call for anything else in January apparently – the owner is a retired bus driver from Birmingham and burger and chips is the only thing he can ‘cook’. Apparently in summer he employs a local cook but, you guessed it, not worth it in January.
15.53 Curled up in bed with a Maeve Binchy – very comforting. Have brought all the wrong clothes and can’t get warm. Heating in villa doesn’t work of course. Audrey and Una have cycled to the beach to meet up with two new ‘friends’ they met at the café – a taxi driver and a waiter, both with nothing to do at this time of year. Hero of Maeve’s book is just like Colin Firth in the in-flight movie. Best thing about the holiday so far…
17. 46 No sign of Audrey and Una. Tried to phone Colin on mobile but it doesn’t seem to work here.
17. 48 I mean my Colin, not Colin Firth, although possibility of misdial or crossed line leading to long talk with Colin Firth is rather fun.
18.03 Tried from the phone in the café. No answer.
18.17 No answer. Oh, I can see Audrey and Una outside. On their own and pushing their bikes.
19.12 Still no answer. Audrey and Una insist I stay for burger and chips – Audrey has wine in her saddlebag. Why not.
22.34 No answer. Who cares?
23.19. An answer! Curry house in Nottingham never heard of Colin Jones. Charming though, very nice people. Long chat. Bedtime now though.
10.28 Still in bed, no sleep again last night, Audrey and Una giggling like schoolgirls till the early hours. Villa has one double room and one tiny single, which I have because, Una said ‘we know you like your privacy Pam’. Double room opens on to the balcony, single doesn’t, but don’t care as there is no view. Plus also no swimming pool, apparently we are going to swim in the sea. And apparently ‘we’ i.e. Audrey and Una decided not to hire a car, instead we’ve got bikes. Have not ridden a bike since school and don’t intend to start now.
12.37 Lunching in the villa off dry bread and apricot jam, which I also had for breakfast. Audrey and Una have gone down to the café at the end of the road (‘no point in spending the holiday cooking Pam’). Well I tried it last night, never again – all they had was a freezer full of burgers and chips. No call for anything else in January apparently – the owner is a retired bus driver from Birmingham and burger and chips is the only thing he can ‘cook’. Apparently in summer he employs a local cook but, you guessed it, not worth it in January.
15.53 Curled up in bed with a Maeve Binchy – very comforting. Have brought all the wrong clothes and can’t get warm. Heating in villa doesn’t work of course. Audrey and Una have cycled to the beach to meet up with two new ‘friends’ they met at the café – a taxi driver and a waiter, both with nothing to do at this time of year. Hero of Maeve’s book is just like Colin Firth in the in-flight movie. Best thing about the holiday so far…
17. 46 No sign of Audrey and Una. Tried to phone Colin on mobile but it doesn’t seem to work here.
17. 48 I mean my Colin, not Colin Firth, although possibility of misdial or crossed line leading to long talk with Colin Firth is rather fun.
18.03 Tried from the phone in the café. No answer.
18.17 No answer. Oh, I can see Audrey and Una outside. On their own and pushing their bikes.
19.12 Still no answer. Audrey and Una insist I stay for burger and chips – Audrey has wine in her saddlebag. Why not.
22.34 No answer. Who cares?
23.19. An answer! Curry house in Nottingham never heard of Colin Jones. Charming though, very nice people. Long chat. Bedtime now though.
Friday 22 January 2010
60-something, whatever, no time as busy packing.
16.46 Phew, what a marathon, but at long last everything is pressed and folded in tissue paper and laid out on the spare bed. Hard work, but as my mother used to say, Pamela, if you pack properly you will never have to spend your holiday ironing (have packed travel iron just in case though). Have managed very nice capsule wardrobe with last summer’s basics plus a couple of extras from the Sales. Navy as the base colour (slimming) with a few touches of soft apricot. Have even found a turban that co-ordinates as sun wreaks havoc with my hair… oh my godfathers, my hair! My roots! Cannot go to Albufeira with roots showing, which they don’t now but hair will inevitably grow an inch while I’m snoozing on the plane – must phone Maison Kevin, I know it’s Friday but I’m a good customer and they will fit me in, I know they will.
16.48 Disaster. Total disaster. Kevin has swine flu and they’ve closed the salon as a precaution. Could get Colin to run me into town, if he were here, which he isn’t as he’s out ‘giving Roderick a hand with his lawnmower.’ Can’t go to Albufeira. Must go. Will spend entire holiday in turban. Will pretend have earache.
16.46 Phew, what a marathon, but at long last everything is pressed and folded in tissue paper and laid out on the spare bed. Hard work, but as my mother used to say, Pamela, if you pack properly you will never have to spend your holiday ironing (have packed travel iron just in case though). Have managed very nice capsule wardrobe with last summer’s basics plus a couple of extras from the Sales. Navy as the base colour (slimming) with a few touches of soft apricot. Have even found a turban that co-ordinates as sun wreaks havoc with my hair… oh my godfathers, my hair! My roots! Cannot go to Albufeira with roots showing, which they don’t now but hair will inevitably grow an inch while I’m snoozing on the plane – must phone Maison Kevin, I know it’s Friday but I’m a good customer and they will fit me in, I know they will.
16.48 Disaster. Total disaster. Kevin has swine flu and they’ve closed the salon as a precaution. Could get Colin to run me into town, if he were here, which he isn’t as he’s out ‘giving Roderick a hand with his lawnmower.’ Can’t go to Albufeira. Must go. Will spend entire holiday in turban. Will pretend have earache.
Wednesday 20 January 2010
68, but what do you expect when chained to the stove and constantly tasting
10.58 Spent all of Monday and Tuesday cooking, filling freezer with tasty meals so C doesn’t starve while I’m away. All packed in individual portions in little foil dishes – shepherd’s pie, chicken curry, even some chilli which I never normally make for flatulence reasons but since he’ll be on his own, well, why not. Plus some stewed fruit, and a chocolate cake already cut into individual portions. If I stock the fridge with apples and cheese for his lunches he should be fine. Will just make a coffee and talk him through the reheating instructions.
11.39 Explained at length, also ran through contents of airing cupboard and how washing machine works in case of laundry emergency. Could tell he wasn’t listening, but watching robin on bird feeder, so I stopped talking. C said ‘OK. I’ve been asked out for dinner actually – Roderick’s partner Gerald is a chef you know.’ Gerald? I didn’t know there was a Gerald.
14.15 Texted Una ‘sorry, Albufeira off, Colin needs me here.’
15.14 Ear throbbing from long call from Una, on landline so she suddenly said ‘must go, we only get one free hour with our package.’ But end result am going to Albufeira as girls need me, Geoffrey is going to Scotland for golf and Audrey’s Nigel is in towering rage and has banned her from going away without him. As Una says, this is not to be tolerated and we must go.
10.58 Spent all of Monday and Tuesday cooking, filling freezer with tasty meals so C doesn’t starve while I’m away. All packed in individual portions in little foil dishes – shepherd’s pie, chicken curry, even some chilli which I never normally make for flatulence reasons but since he’ll be on his own, well, why not. Plus some stewed fruit, and a chocolate cake already cut into individual portions. If I stock the fridge with apples and cheese for his lunches he should be fine. Will just make a coffee and talk him through the reheating instructions.
11.39 Explained at length, also ran through contents of airing cupboard and how washing machine works in case of laundry emergency. Could tell he wasn’t listening, but watching robin on bird feeder, so I stopped talking. C said ‘OK. I’ve been asked out for dinner actually – Roderick’s partner Gerald is a chef you know.’ Gerald? I didn’t know there was a Gerald.
14.15 Texted Una ‘sorry, Albufeira off, Colin needs me here.’
15.14 Ear throbbing from long call from Una, on landline so she suddenly said ‘must go, we only get one free hour with our package.’ But end result am going to Albufeira as girls need me, Geoffrey is going to Scotland for golf and Audrey’s Nigel is in towering rage and has banned her from going away without him. As Una says, this is not to be tolerated and we must go.
Sunday 17 January 2010
65, won’t last as had two helpings of apple crumble and cream at dinner, then finished leftovers for tea plus last of chocolate biscuits, fantasy meetings with Hugh Grant while pushing grandchildren in double buggy 45
09.28 Colin in spare room again last night. Seems to have set up camp in there – noticed biscuit crumbs on bedside table, also he is sleeping in his socks. Two copies of Lawnmower Monthly under the bed, and the little radio from the shed – what’s the betting that is tuned to Radio 5Live?
09.57 Was so far ahead with the lunch (roast pork with stuffing, broccoli and apple crumble with cream) I thought we could have a nice walk – with the oven set on auto-timer it practically cooks itself. Asked Colin if he fancied an amble round the village but he muttered something about being busy and disappeared into the garage.
10.03 Texted Una What are you having for lunch? She texted back Sorry can’t chat Darcy’s due for lunch and can’t find coffee filters. Texted Sylvia What are you having for lunch? She texted back Snrry cant cgat lookng fter grdkids.
1.32 Served lunch on the dot of one, Colin threw it down his gullet, stood up, wiped his mouth and said ‘boys’ll be here in a minute.’ Insists he told me he was playing golf this afternoon with the ‘lads from the Duck and Dressing Gown.’
2.03 Washing up done. Bored.
2.04. Phoned Bridget – got answering machine. Didn’t leave a message. Phoned James. Ditto.
5.45 Well that’s Four Weddings and a Funeral, again. Will wear out tape if I’m not careful. Will have some tea and go to bed early.
09.28 Colin in spare room again last night. Seems to have set up camp in there – noticed biscuit crumbs on bedside table, also he is sleeping in his socks. Two copies of Lawnmower Monthly under the bed, and the little radio from the shed – what’s the betting that is tuned to Radio 5Live?
09.57 Was so far ahead with the lunch (roast pork with stuffing, broccoli and apple crumble with cream) I thought we could have a nice walk – with the oven set on auto-timer it practically cooks itself. Asked Colin if he fancied an amble round the village but he muttered something about being busy and disappeared into the garage.
10.03 Texted Una What are you having for lunch? She texted back Sorry can’t chat Darcy’s due for lunch and can’t find coffee filters. Texted Sylvia What are you having for lunch? She texted back Snrry cant cgat lookng fter grdkids.
1.32 Served lunch on the dot of one, Colin threw it down his gullet, stood up, wiped his mouth and said ‘boys’ll be here in a minute.’ Insists he told me he was playing golf this afternoon with the ‘lads from the Duck and Dressing Gown.’
2.03 Washing up done. Bored.
2.04. Phoned Bridget – got answering machine. Didn’t leave a message. Phoned James. Ditto.
5.45 Well that’s Four Weddings and a Funeral, again. Will wear out tape if I’m not careful. Will have some tea and go to bed early.
Thursday 14 January 2010
67- Colin has ruined the scales, fantasy texts with Hugh Grant 6
10.17 No chance to text yesterday, too much ironing (surely should be fewer white shirts now Colin’s retired?). Rushed back from shops to get texting today. Texted James to say thankyou for phone. (NB must get Bridget’s mobile number, could text her every day!) Texted Mavis and Una to say See you at WI this afternoon. Texted Una again with story of scales, told her Colin was a clot, clearly I don’t weigh 67 stone and even Twiggy was never 67 lbs. Una texted back Must be measuring in kilos 67 kilos about 10 and a half stone Hope that helps.
1.36 Should be leaving for WI but feeling nauseous. Plus Una knows what I weigh. Una cannot keep her lip buttoned. All those faces turned towards me as I walk in, all knowing the shameful truth – and it’s only a little bit of post-Christmas temporary plumpness.
6.19 Text from Una Missed you at WI are you OK? Have just worked out am 73 kilos, much prefer good old stones and pounds U. So Una is heavier than me – she kept that under her hat. Oh, nausea gone – will send Colin out for pizza.
10.17 No chance to text yesterday, too much ironing (surely should be fewer white shirts now Colin’s retired?). Rushed back from shops to get texting today. Texted James to say thankyou for phone. (NB must get Bridget’s mobile number, could text her every day!) Texted Mavis and Una to say See you at WI this afternoon. Texted Una again with story of scales, told her Colin was a clot, clearly I don’t weigh 67 stone and even Twiggy was never 67 lbs. Una texted back Must be measuring in kilos 67 kilos about 10 and a half stone Hope that helps.
1.36 Should be leaving for WI but feeling nauseous. Plus Una knows what I weigh. Una cannot keep her lip buttoned. All those faces turned towards me as I walk in, all knowing the shameful truth – and it’s only a little bit of post-Christmas temporary plumpness.
6.19 Text from Una Missed you at WI are you OK? Have just worked out am 73 kilos, much prefer good old stones and pounds U. So Una is heavier than me – she kept that under her hat. Oh, nausea gone – will send Colin out for pizza.
Wednesday 13 January 2010
66 (whatever that means – C has put new electronic scales back all wrong), text messages 17.
1.15 pm Lunching alone – Colin and Roderick have gone to Probus. Wives not allowed apparently. Phoned James last night, left several messages and he called me back when he was free (what a lamb). I told him sorry tale of new mobile phone, he said ‘oh ma, you are funny, I left that text on there to get you started.’ Apparently all that gobbledegook means ‘Hello mummy, welcome to the twentieth century, smiley face, great! See you later. James.’ I said ‘I’ll have to take your word for that James. How is er…?’ For the life of me I couldn’t remember the current girlfriend’s name. He just laughed again and said ‘must dash, bye.’ Anyway, will not be defeated by mobile phone, have got instruction book out and am reading it through Colin’s magnifying glass (hidden in his desk drawer, as he pretends he can see perfectly).
4.47 pm. Texting is easy! Looking through address book I saw almost everyone has a mobile. Why are we always the last for everything? Texted Una, Mavis, and Audrey to say Hi. Then texted them again to say It’s me, Pam, I sent the text that said Hi. Texted the Gawthorpes to say How’s life treating you in New Zealand. Texted Una and Audrey to say Have got new swimsuit for Albufeira. Gawthorpes texted back! And no gobbledegook, as plain as you like it said New Zealand not all it cracked up to be, no Radio 4 and nothing to compare with Waitrose, will be home in February. Mavis texted back to say Hi who are you? And then texted again Oh it was you Pam was it this is fun don’t you think? Must get more mobile phone numbers. Oh the joy of text!
1.15 pm Lunching alone – Colin and Roderick have gone to Probus. Wives not allowed apparently. Phoned James last night, left several messages and he called me back when he was free (what a lamb). I told him sorry tale of new mobile phone, he said ‘oh ma, you are funny, I left that text on there to get you started.’ Apparently all that gobbledegook means ‘Hello mummy, welcome to the twentieth century, smiley face, great! See you later. James.’ I said ‘I’ll have to take your word for that James. How is er…?’ For the life of me I couldn’t remember the current girlfriend’s name. He just laughed again and said ‘must dash, bye.’ Anyway, will not be defeated by mobile phone, have got instruction book out and am reading it through Colin’s magnifying glass (hidden in his desk drawer, as he pretends he can see perfectly).
4.47 pm. Texting is easy! Looking through address book I saw almost everyone has a mobile. Why are we always the last for everything? Texted Una, Mavis, and Audrey to say Hi. Then texted them again to say It’s me, Pam, I sent the text that said Hi. Texted the Gawthorpes to say How’s life treating you in New Zealand. Texted Una and Audrey to say Have got new swimsuit for Albufeira. Gawthorpes texted back! And no gobbledegook, as plain as you like it said New Zealand not all it cracked up to be, no Radio 4 and nothing to compare with Waitrose, will be home in February. Mavis texted back to say Hi who are you? And then texted again Oh it was you Pam was it this is fun don’t you think? Must get more mobile phone numbers. Oh the joy of text!
Saturday 9 January 2010
? st ? lbs (see below), fantasy grandchildren 17, fantasy TV appearances 6
11.15 a.m. Oh dear, another long Saturday stretches ahead. When I think how manic the weekends used to be, rushing James to rugby and Bridget to tap and ballet (not that she ever got the hang of either), now it’s all Colin and me and TV suppers. If I suggest going out anywhere he says ‘oh it’s much quieter during the week’ and sits back to watch golf, or snooker, or whatever. Now he’s got my new electronic scales in bits all over the dining room table because, apparently, ‘they are fascinating.’ I know, will do some washing.
2.06 p.m. Found new mobile phone in linen hamper. Tracked down instructions in spare room, under paperback copy of celebrity biography – Bridget must’ve left it behind. As soon as I turned it on (phone not biography) it leapt into life and told me I had ‘one message.’ Pressed a few buttons and got this:
Yo ma wlcm to C21 :-) g8t! cul8r. J.
Will tell James to take it back and get refund – it’s obviously broken.
11.15 a.m. Oh dear, another long Saturday stretches ahead. When I think how manic the weekends used to be, rushing James to rugby and Bridget to tap and ballet (not that she ever got the hang of either), now it’s all Colin and me and TV suppers. If I suggest going out anywhere he says ‘oh it’s much quieter during the week’ and sits back to watch golf, or snooker, or whatever. Now he’s got my new electronic scales in bits all over the dining room table because, apparently, ‘they are fascinating.’ I know, will do some washing.
2.06 p.m. Found new mobile phone in linen hamper. Tracked down instructions in spare room, under paperback copy of celebrity biography – Bridget must’ve left it behind. As soon as I turned it on (phone not biography) it leapt into life and told me I had ‘one message.’ Pressed a few buttons and got this:
Yo ma wlcm to C21 :-) g8t! cul8r. J.
Will tell James to take it back and get refund – it’s obviously broken.
Thursday 7 January 2010
10st 5, 10st 4, 10st 5, 10st 7, 10st 3, new scales different each time you stand on them.
10.30 a.m Terrible night. Woken in middle of night by strange buzzing sound in bedroom. Thought it was C. snoring and kicked him but bed was empty – he was in spare room again. Ended up hunting manically through room tossing underwear out of drawers until eventually found source of noise underneath bath salts in decorative box (present from the Enderbys, sure I saw it in tombola at WI Summer Fayre). It was the mobile phone James gave me for Christmas, despite my making it perfectly clear that what I really wanted was a voucher for Harvey Nicks (even James hopeless at choosing presents like all men). Thrust it into the linen hamper and eventually managed to get back to sleep. Must get some coffee and try to wake up.
18.27 Have just cancelled dinner date with Colin – Thursday is our regular night out, but I feel absolutely drained following sleepless night and harrowing phonecall with Audrey. C. said ‘oh good, now I can watch my video of England winning the Ashes.’ Have retreated to dining room to mull over Audrey’s remarks. Apparently both she and Una are worried because, and I quote, ‘alcohol is freely available in Albufeira.’ I said personally I only ever had a single small sherry but if she and Una had trouble with their self control then I really couldn’t help them with it. Audrey said she thought the best thing was if we all agreed to be teetotal, so naturally I agreed – wouldn’t want the poor things to struggle.
10.30 a.m Terrible night. Woken in middle of night by strange buzzing sound in bedroom. Thought it was C. snoring and kicked him but bed was empty – he was in spare room again. Ended up hunting manically through room tossing underwear out of drawers until eventually found source of noise underneath bath salts in decorative box (present from the Enderbys, sure I saw it in tombola at WI Summer Fayre). It was the mobile phone James gave me for Christmas, despite my making it perfectly clear that what I really wanted was a voucher for Harvey Nicks (even James hopeless at choosing presents like all men). Thrust it into the linen hamper and eventually managed to get back to sleep. Must get some coffee and try to wake up.
18.27 Have just cancelled dinner date with Colin – Thursday is our regular night out, but I feel absolutely drained following sleepless night and harrowing phonecall with Audrey. C. said ‘oh good, now I can watch my video of England winning the Ashes.’ Have retreated to dining room to mull over Audrey’s remarks. Apparently both she and Una are worried because, and I quote, ‘alcohol is freely available in Albufeira.’ I said personally I only ever had a single small sherry but if she and Una had trouble with their self control then I really couldn’t help them with it. Audrey said she thought the best thing was if we all agreed to be teetotal, so naturally I agreed – wouldn’t want the poor things to struggle.
Wednesday 6 January 2010
10st 2, time wasted phoning Bridget 37 minutes, fantasy grandchildren 3 (triplets).
07.30 a.m. Woke up feeling full of beans, wonderful night’s sleep. No sign of Colin. Found him asleep in the spare bed, complaining of bad dreams brought on by new multi-coloured underpants. Said he didn’t want to disturb me so crept down to spare room, then promptly fell back asleep.
10.30 a.m. Astonishing, supermarkets all empty first thing in the morning. Must get up early more often.
11.00 a.m. Colin didn’t want coffee as breakfasted so late. Lunch organised. Dinner ditto. What on earth shall I do next? I know, will phone Bridget in line with New Year’s Resolution.
11.17 a.m. Bridget apparently never at desk – tried three times. Each time phone answered by charming girl Perpetua. Parents live in Surrey, father retired but still dabbles when not playing golf, P. has flat in Pimlico with boyfriend who is IFA (wonder what that is) but they are moving upmarket. Very interested in my thoughts on curtains, and clearly thinks the world of Bridget, wanted to know all about her A levels and how she got on at uni.
16.50 Still no sign of Bridget at her desk, they are working her too hard, suggested to Perpetua perhaps she could share the load – I think she took it to heart.
07.30 a.m. Woke up feeling full of beans, wonderful night’s sleep. No sign of Colin. Found him asleep in the spare bed, complaining of bad dreams brought on by new multi-coloured underpants. Said he didn’t want to disturb me so crept down to spare room, then promptly fell back asleep.
10.30 a.m. Astonishing, supermarkets all empty first thing in the morning. Must get up early more often.
11.00 a.m. Colin didn’t want coffee as breakfasted so late. Lunch organised. Dinner ditto. What on earth shall I do next? I know, will phone Bridget in line with New Year’s Resolution.
11.17 a.m. Bridget apparently never at desk – tried three times. Each time phone answered by charming girl Perpetua. Parents live in Surrey, father retired but still dabbles when not playing golf, P. has flat in Pimlico with boyfriend who is IFA (wonder what that is) but they are moving upmarket. Very interested in my thoughts on curtains, and clearly thinks the world of Bridget, wanted to know all about her A levels and how she got on at uni.
16.50 Still no sign of Bridget at her desk, they are working her too hard, suggested to Perpetua perhaps she could share the load – I think she took it to heart.
Tuesday 5 January 2010
10 st 3, new electronic scales most satisfactory.
09.30 Will take footspa to charity shop this afternoon, always nice to give a little something to others. New diet book recommends glass of water before each meal and using kiddie size plate for meals (damn, could have got one in Sales). Decide to stock freezer with low cal meals.
11.00 a.m. Stop for coffee with Colin, who has been mysteriously busy in shed all morning. He says coloured underpants make him feel radioactive and could I bleach them. Also complains about lack of biscuits, I explain about diet and he promptly helps himself to last of Christmas cake that was saving for later – definitely mine as he had three pieces yesterday.
6.07 p.m. Back from weekly stint in charity shop, doing something for others always makes one feel better. Manageress rejected footspa on grounds they already had three in the stockroom, I said in that case they were clearly over priced and she said no, we can’t give them away. No customers, but Una came in for long chat about Albufeira – apparently she is worried that Audrey will ‘get out of hand.’ What can she mean?
09.30 Will take footspa to charity shop this afternoon, always nice to give a little something to others. New diet book recommends glass of water before each meal and using kiddie size plate for meals (damn, could have got one in Sales). Decide to stock freezer with low cal meals.
11.00 a.m. Stop for coffee with Colin, who has been mysteriously busy in shed all morning. He says coloured underpants make him feel radioactive and could I bleach them. Also complains about lack of biscuits, I explain about diet and he promptly helps himself to last of Christmas cake that was saving for later – definitely mine as he had three pieces yesterday.
6.07 p.m. Back from weekly stint in charity shop, doing something for others always makes one feel better. Manageress rejected footspa on grounds they already had three in the stockroom, I said in that case they were clearly over priced and she said no, we can’t give them away. No customers, but Una came in for long chat about Albufeira – apparently she is worried that Audrey will ‘get out of hand.’ What can she mean?
Monday 4 January 2010
Bruises from crowds at sales 15, money spent £247.39, money saved £56.22, arguments with husband about money 3.
08.30 a.m. Do not believe in undignified scramble at Sales. Have left sandwiches for Colin, caught early train and am watching scenery go by in serene fashion. Will still be plenty of bargains left, am thankful to be old enough and wise enough not to get caught up in Sales fever.
1.33 p.m. Speedy lunch in cafeteria, need protein (ham sandwich) and sugar to replenish energy (currant bun). Am like highly trained member of SAS, have got corner table, back to wall, can see everyone who enters cafeteria. Carrier bags under seat, nice and safe, will repack them in rucksack in a moment so can move through crowds like knife through butter.
4.30 p.m. Home, triumphant. Showed Colin his new underpants, half price, he said ‘what flag is that? Looks like one of those new countries – couldn’t you have got me some plain white?’ Gritted teeth and showed him my new swimsuit, snatched from under nose of feeble woman who was clearly too fat for it. He said ‘that will never fit you.’
8.30 p.m. Swimsuit clearly a factory second – it doesn’t stretch properly. Manicure set in faux leather case will be very useful though, good that I got a second one for Bridget. Too tired to cook, Colin of course most put out at having sandwiches twice in one day. Am now luxuriating in new housecoat (only one button missing) with feet in new footspa. Most bizarre sensation.
08.30 a.m. Do not believe in undignified scramble at Sales. Have left sandwiches for Colin, caught early train and am watching scenery go by in serene fashion. Will still be plenty of bargains left, am thankful to be old enough and wise enough not to get caught up in Sales fever.
1.33 p.m. Speedy lunch in cafeteria, need protein (ham sandwich) and sugar to replenish energy (currant bun). Am like highly trained member of SAS, have got corner table, back to wall, can see everyone who enters cafeteria. Carrier bags under seat, nice and safe, will repack them in rucksack in a moment so can move through crowds like knife through butter.
4.30 p.m. Home, triumphant. Showed Colin his new underpants, half price, he said ‘what flag is that? Looks like one of those new countries – couldn’t you have got me some plain white?’ Gritted teeth and showed him my new swimsuit, snatched from under nose of feeble woman who was clearly too fat for it. He said ‘that will never fit you.’
8.30 p.m. Swimsuit clearly a factory second – it doesn’t stretch properly. Manicure set in faux leather case will be very useful though, good that I got a second one for Bridget. Too tired to cook, Colin of course most put out at having sandwiches twice in one day. Am now luxuriating in new housecoat (only one button missing) with feet in new footspa. Most bizarre sensation.
Sunday 3 January 2010
Scales in bin. Will start again when Christmas cake finished.
3.17 a.m. Woke up suddenly when C. stopped snoring – but still breathing. In the silence I can hear Bridget’s biological clock ticking. Will have to rely on James for grandchildren.
3.18 a.m. What if he’s gay? All these girlfriends just a cover for his true nature. Is that what Una meant when she said ‘how lovely it is to see how fond James is of his mother’? Thank God am not enduring non-stop Una in Albufeira.
11.30 a.m. Spent morning being devoted, made shortbread to have with morning coffee. C. said ‘what no gingernuts?’ Then demanded packed lunch as is going out with new friend Roderick from golf club. Meeting in Kingsford Woods for male bonding round camp fire, latest thing apparently. Staying out all night may be involved, also nudity.
11.31 a.m. All night? Nudity?
11.32 a.m. Must buy new swimsuit for Albufeira.
3.17 a.m. Woke up suddenly when C. stopped snoring – but still breathing. In the silence I can hear Bridget’s biological clock ticking. Will have to rely on James for grandchildren.
3.18 a.m. What if he’s gay? All these girlfriends just a cover for his true nature. Is that what Una meant when she said ‘how lovely it is to see how fond James is of his mother’? Thank God am not enduring non-stop Una in Albufeira.
11.30 a.m. Spent morning being devoted, made shortbread to have with morning coffee. C. said ‘what no gingernuts?’ Then demanded packed lunch as is going out with new friend Roderick from golf club. Meeting in Kingsford Woods for male bonding round camp fire, latest thing apparently. Staying out all night may be involved, also nudity.
11.31 a.m. All night? Nudity?
11.32 a.m. Must buy new swimsuit for Albufeira.
Saturday 2 January 2010
New scales too high, produce vertigo, hot flushes 3 (why? Menopause at least 10 years ago), fantasy grandchildren 0 (too noisy)
11.30 a.m. Everything is weaker these days. Even Alka-Seltzer not as strong as it used to be. Will just pop back to bed.
2.30 p.m. It’s all come back to me in ghastly clarity. Bridget came late and dressed for funeral as usual, in black (but skirt far too short for funeral. Why doesn’t she listen when I tell her to maximise her assets and hide her flaws, legs like tree trunks, not from my side of the family). And I told her about dreadful Mark Darcy and his divorce and what did she do but pin him down over a vol-au-vent when there was a perfectly good young doctor all alone on the other side of the room. Aargh, phone.
2.35 p.m. Mavis on phone. Apparently women can have hot flushes well into their seventies. Her mother had one at 93.
2.37 p.m. Phoned Una with hot flush query. She pretended to be too young for menopause. Hah! Then she said ‘never mind all that Pam, I’ve just returned from the travel agents and it’s booked! We’re going to Albufeira in February!’ Expressed astonishment that she could drag Geoffrey away from his easy chair. She did that annoying little laugh of hers (tinkle tinkle) and said ‘oh Pam, you’re so funny, this is just for us girls.’ Hung up and retrieved vague memory of promising to have holiday with Audrey Coles and Una. Will never touch sherry again. Phoned back and explained couldn’t go, as am devoted wife and potential grandmother.
11.30 a.m. Everything is weaker these days. Even Alka-Seltzer not as strong as it used to be. Will just pop back to bed.
2.30 p.m. It’s all come back to me in ghastly clarity. Bridget came late and dressed for funeral as usual, in black (but skirt far too short for funeral. Why doesn’t she listen when I tell her to maximise her assets and hide her flaws, legs like tree trunks, not from my side of the family). And I told her about dreadful Mark Darcy and his divorce and what did she do but pin him down over a vol-au-vent when there was a perfectly good young doctor all alone on the other side of the room. Aargh, phone.
2.35 p.m. Mavis on phone. Apparently women can have hot flushes well into their seventies. Her mother had one at 93.
2.37 p.m. Phoned Una with hot flush query. She pretended to be too young for menopause. Hah! Then she said ‘never mind all that Pam, I’ve just returned from the travel agents and it’s booked! We’re going to Albufeira in February!’ Expressed astonishment that she could drag Geoffrey away from his easy chair. She did that annoying little laugh of hers (tinkle tinkle) and said ‘oh Pam, you’re so funny, this is just for us girls.’ Hung up and retrieved vague memory of promising to have holiday with Audrey Coles and Una. Will never touch sherry again. Phoned back and explained couldn’t go, as am devoted wife and potential grandmother.
Friday 1 January 2010
RESOLUTIONS
I WILL NOT
buy magazines with photos of skinny models
pretend to be natural blonde
keep reminding Colin about state of garage
have pointless fantasies about younger men
criticise Una’s clothes
believe anything ever said by charming young politician
I WILL
lose 10lbs
get roots done every 6 weeks
use pasta maker (or at least get out of box)
start spending savings as can’t take it with you
spend more time with Bridget
devote self to family
buy only organic food
find out what organic means
learn to get computer going myself instead of making Colin pick up emails for me
1 January
10st 4½ (wasting away due to maternal worry), fantasy grandchildren admired by Hugh Grant 3 (but resolutions never start before January 2nd), fantasy victory on Countdown 1.
6.30 p.m. We are going to be late, even though I got Colin into his freshly pressed casual slacks and new Argyll sweater over an hour ago. Instead of quietly reading the newspaper he (and I quote) ‘just thought he’d check the spark plug on the lawnmower.’ Result – grease not only on the slacks but on sweater too. Got him into his second best and put the nice clothes in a strong solution of biological powder to soak.
8.30 p.m. Where is Bridget? She promised me faithfully she would be here on time. I promised Una she would be here. If she doesn’t come it’ll look as if she doesn’t love her mother. Oh to hell with it, will just have another small sherry and… oh, they’re playing Elvis. Must dance.
1.30 a.m. Ooh, feel 16 again (but no acne). Danced all night, I think.
I WILL NOT
buy magazines with photos of skinny models
pretend to be natural blonde
keep reminding Colin about state of garage
have pointless fantasies about younger men
criticise Una’s clothes
believe anything ever said by charming young politician
I WILL
lose 10lbs
get roots done every 6 weeks
use pasta maker (or at least get out of box)
start spending savings as can’t take it with you
spend more time with Bridget
devote self to family
buy only organic food
find out what organic means
learn to get computer going myself instead of making Colin pick up emails for me
1 January
10st 4½ (wasting away due to maternal worry), fantasy grandchildren admired by Hugh Grant 3 (but resolutions never start before January 2nd), fantasy victory on Countdown 1.
6.30 p.m. We are going to be late, even though I got Colin into his freshly pressed casual slacks and new Argyll sweater over an hour ago. Instead of quietly reading the newspaper he (and I quote) ‘just thought he’d check the spark plug on the lawnmower.’ Result – grease not only on the slacks but on sweater too. Got him into his second best and put the nice clothes in a strong solution of biological powder to soak.
8.30 p.m. Where is Bridget? She promised me faithfully she would be here on time. I promised Una she would be here. If she doesn’t come it’ll look as if she doesn’t love her mother. Oh to hell with it, will just have another small sherry and… oh, they’re playing Elvis. Must dance.
1.30 a.m. Ooh, feel 16 again (but no acne). Danced all night, I think.
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