10st 5, 10st 4, 10st 5, 10st 7, 10st 3, new scales different each time you stand on them.
10.30 a.m Terrible night. Woken in middle of night by strange buzzing sound in bedroom. Thought it was C. snoring and kicked him but bed was empty – he was in spare room again. Ended up hunting manically through room tossing underwear out of drawers until eventually found source of noise underneath bath salts in decorative box (present from the Enderbys, sure I saw it in tombola at WI Summer Fayre). It was the mobile phone James gave me for Christmas, despite my making it perfectly clear that what I really wanted was a voucher for Harvey Nicks (even James hopeless at choosing presents like all men). Thrust it into the linen hamper and eventually managed to get back to sleep. Must get some coffee and try to wake up.
18.27 Have just cancelled dinner date with Colin – Thursday is our regular night out, but I feel absolutely drained following sleepless night and harrowing phonecall with Audrey. C. said ‘oh good, now I can watch my video of England winning the Ashes.’ Have retreated to dining room to mull over Audrey’s remarks. Apparently both she and Una are worried because, and I quote, ‘alcohol is freely available in Albufeira.’ I said personally I only ever had a single small sherry but if she and Una had trouble with their self control then I really couldn’t help them with it. Audrey said she thought the best thing was if we all agreed to be teetotal, so naturally I agreed – wouldn’t want the poor things to struggle.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
10st 2, time wasted phoning Bridget 37 minutes, fantasy grandchildren 3 (triplets).
07.30 a.m. Woke up feeling full of beans, wonderful night’s sleep. No sign of Colin. Found him asleep in the spare bed, complaining of bad dreams brought on by new multi-coloured underpants. Said he didn’t want to disturb me so crept down to spare room, then promptly fell back asleep.
10.30 a.m. Astonishing, supermarkets all empty first thing in the morning. Must get up early more often.
11.00 a.m. Colin didn’t want coffee as breakfasted so late. Lunch organised. Dinner ditto. What on earth shall I do next? I know, will phone Bridget in line with New Year’s Resolution.
11.17 a.m. Bridget apparently never at desk – tried three times. Each time phone answered by charming girl Perpetua. Parents live in Surrey, father retired but still dabbles when not playing golf, P. has flat in Pimlico with boyfriend who is IFA (wonder what that is) but they are moving upmarket. Very interested in my thoughts on curtains, and clearly thinks the world of Bridget, wanted to know all about her A levels and how she got on at uni.
16.50 Still no sign of Bridget at her desk, they are working her too hard, suggested to Perpetua perhaps she could share the load – I think she took it to heart.
07.30 a.m. Woke up feeling full of beans, wonderful night’s sleep. No sign of Colin. Found him asleep in the spare bed, complaining of bad dreams brought on by new multi-coloured underpants. Said he didn’t want to disturb me so crept down to spare room, then promptly fell back asleep.
10.30 a.m. Astonishing, supermarkets all empty first thing in the morning. Must get up early more often.
11.00 a.m. Colin didn’t want coffee as breakfasted so late. Lunch organised. Dinner ditto. What on earth shall I do next? I know, will phone Bridget in line with New Year’s Resolution.
11.17 a.m. Bridget apparently never at desk – tried three times. Each time phone answered by charming girl Perpetua. Parents live in Surrey, father retired but still dabbles when not playing golf, P. has flat in Pimlico with boyfriend who is IFA (wonder what that is) but they are moving upmarket. Very interested in my thoughts on curtains, and clearly thinks the world of Bridget, wanted to know all about her A levels and how she got on at uni.
16.50 Still no sign of Bridget at her desk, they are working her too hard, suggested to Perpetua perhaps she could share the load – I think she took it to heart.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
10 st 3, new electronic scales most satisfactory.
09.30 Will take footspa to charity shop this afternoon, always nice to give a little something to others. New diet book recommends glass of water before each meal and using kiddie size plate for meals (damn, could have got one in Sales). Decide to stock freezer with low cal meals.
11.00 a.m. Stop for coffee with Colin, who has been mysteriously busy in shed all morning. He says coloured underpants make him feel radioactive and could I bleach them. Also complains about lack of biscuits, I explain about diet and he promptly helps himself to last of Christmas cake that was saving for later – definitely mine as he had three pieces yesterday.
6.07 p.m. Back from weekly stint in charity shop, doing something for others always makes one feel better. Manageress rejected footspa on grounds they already had three in the stockroom, I said in that case they were clearly over priced and she said no, we can’t give them away. No customers, but Una came in for long chat about Albufeira – apparently she is worried that Audrey will ‘get out of hand.’ What can she mean?
09.30 Will take footspa to charity shop this afternoon, always nice to give a little something to others. New diet book recommends glass of water before each meal and using kiddie size plate for meals (damn, could have got one in Sales). Decide to stock freezer with low cal meals.
11.00 a.m. Stop for coffee with Colin, who has been mysteriously busy in shed all morning. He says coloured underpants make him feel radioactive and could I bleach them. Also complains about lack of biscuits, I explain about diet and he promptly helps himself to last of Christmas cake that was saving for later – definitely mine as he had three pieces yesterday.
6.07 p.m. Back from weekly stint in charity shop, doing something for others always makes one feel better. Manageress rejected footspa on grounds they already had three in the stockroom, I said in that case they were clearly over priced and she said no, we can’t give them away. No customers, but Una came in for long chat about Albufeira – apparently she is worried that Audrey will ‘get out of hand.’ What can she mean?
Monday, 4 January 2010
Bruises from crowds at sales 15, money spent £247.39, money saved £56.22, arguments with husband about money 3.
08.30 a.m. Do not believe in undignified scramble at Sales. Have left sandwiches for Colin, caught early train and am watching scenery go by in serene fashion. Will still be plenty of bargains left, am thankful to be old enough and wise enough not to get caught up in Sales fever.
1.33 p.m. Speedy lunch in cafeteria, need protein (ham sandwich) and sugar to replenish energy (currant bun). Am like highly trained member of SAS, have got corner table, back to wall, can see everyone who enters cafeteria. Carrier bags under seat, nice and safe, will repack them in rucksack in a moment so can move through crowds like knife through butter.
4.30 p.m. Home, triumphant. Showed Colin his new underpants, half price, he said ‘what flag is that? Looks like one of those new countries – couldn’t you have got me some plain white?’ Gritted teeth and showed him my new swimsuit, snatched from under nose of feeble woman who was clearly too fat for it. He said ‘that will never fit you.’
8.30 p.m. Swimsuit clearly a factory second – it doesn’t stretch properly. Manicure set in faux leather case will be very useful though, good that I got a second one for Bridget. Too tired to cook, Colin of course most put out at having sandwiches twice in one day. Am now luxuriating in new housecoat (only one button missing) with feet in new footspa. Most bizarre sensation.
08.30 a.m. Do not believe in undignified scramble at Sales. Have left sandwiches for Colin, caught early train and am watching scenery go by in serene fashion. Will still be plenty of bargains left, am thankful to be old enough and wise enough not to get caught up in Sales fever.
1.33 p.m. Speedy lunch in cafeteria, need protein (ham sandwich) and sugar to replenish energy (currant bun). Am like highly trained member of SAS, have got corner table, back to wall, can see everyone who enters cafeteria. Carrier bags under seat, nice and safe, will repack them in rucksack in a moment so can move through crowds like knife through butter.
4.30 p.m. Home, triumphant. Showed Colin his new underpants, half price, he said ‘what flag is that? Looks like one of those new countries – couldn’t you have got me some plain white?’ Gritted teeth and showed him my new swimsuit, snatched from under nose of feeble woman who was clearly too fat for it. He said ‘that will never fit you.’
8.30 p.m. Swimsuit clearly a factory second – it doesn’t stretch properly. Manicure set in faux leather case will be very useful though, good that I got a second one for Bridget. Too tired to cook, Colin of course most put out at having sandwiches twice in one day. Am now luxuriating in new housecoat (only one button missing) with feet in new footspa. Most bizarre sensation.
Sunday, 3 January 2010
Scales in bin. Will start again when Christmas cake finished.
3.17 a.m. Woke up suddenly when C. stopped snoring – but still breathing. In the silence I can hear Bridget’s biological clock ticking. Will have to rely on James for grandchildren.
3.18 a.m. What if he’s gay? All these girlfriends just a cover for his true nature. Is that what Una meant when she said ‘how lovely it is to see how fond James is of his mother’? Thank God am not enduring non-stop Una in Albufeira.
11.30 a.m. Spent morning being devoted, made shortbread to have with morning coffee. C. said ‘what no gingernuts?’ Then demanded packed lunch as is going out with new friend Roderick from golf club. Meeting in Kingsford Woods for male bonding round camp fire, latest thing apparently. Staying out all night may be involved, also nudity.
11.31 a.m. All night? Nudity?
11.32 a.m. Must buy new swimsuit for Albufeira.
3.17 a.m. Woke up suddenly when C. stopped snoring – but still breathing. In the silence I can hear Bridget’s biological clock ticking. Will have to rely on James for grandchildren.
3.18 a.m. What if he’s gay? All these girlfriends just a cover for his true nature. Is that what Una meant when she said ‘how lovely it is to see how fond James is of his mother’? Thank God am not enduring non-stop Una in Albufeira.
11.30 a.m. Spent morning being devoted, made shortbread to have with morning coffee. C. said ‘what no gingernuts?’ Then demanded packed lunch as is going out with new friend Roderick from golf club. Meeting in Kingsford Woods for male bonding round camp fire, latest thing apparently. Staying out all night may be involved, also nudity.
11.31 a.m. All night? Nudity?
11.32 a.m. Must buy new swimsuit for Albufeira.
Saturday, 2 January 2010
New scales too high, produce vertigo, hot flushes 3 (why? Menopause at least 10 years ago), fantasy grandchildren 0 (too noisy)
11.30 a.m. Everything is weaker these days. Even Alka-Seltzer not as strong as it used to be. Will just pop back to bed.
2.30 p.m. It’s all come back to me in ghastly clarity. Bridget came late and dressed for funeral as usual, in black (but skirt far too short for funeral. Why doesn’t she listen when I tell her to maximise her assets and hide her flaws, legs like tree trunks, not from my side of the family). And I told her about dreadful Mark Darcy and his divorce and what did she do but pin him down over a vol-au-vent when there was a perfectly good young doctor all alone on the other side of the room. Aargh, phone.
2.35 p.m. Mavis on phone. Apparently women can have hot flushes well into their seventies. Her mother had one at 93.
2.37 p.m. Phoned Una with hot flush query. She pretended to be too young for menopause. Hah! Then she said ‘never mind all that Pam, I’ve just returned from the travel agents and it’s booked! We’re going to Albufeira in February!’ Expressed astonishment that she could drag Geoffrey away from his easy chair. She did that annoying little laugh of hers (tinkle tinkle) and said ‘oh Pam, you’re so funny, this is just for us girls.’ Hung up and retrieved vague memory of promising to have holiday with Audrey Coles and Una. Will never touch sherry again. Phoned back and explained couldn’t go, as am devoted wife and potential grandmother.
11.30 a.m. Everything is weaker these days. Even Alka-Seltzer not as strong as it used to be. Will just pop back to bed.
2.30 p.m. It’s all come back to me in ghastly clarity. Bridget came late and dressed for funeral as usual, in black (but skirt far too short for funeral. Why doesn’t she listen when I tell her to maximise her assets and hide her flaws, legs like tree trunks, not from my side of the family). And I told her about dreadful Mark Darcy and his divorce and what did she do but pin him down over a vol-au-vent when there was a perfectly good young doctor all alone on the other side of the room. Aargh, phone.
2.35 p.m. Mavis on phone. Apparently women can have hot flushes well into their seventies. Her mother had one at 93.
2.37 p.m. Phoned Una with hot flush query. She pretended to be too young for menopause. Hah! Then she said ‘never mind all that Pam, I’ve just returned from the travel agents and it’s booked! We’re going to Albufeira in February!’ Expressed astonishment that she could drag Geoffrey away from his easy chair. She did that annoying little laugh of hers (tinkle tinkle) and said ‘oh Pam, you’re so funny, this is just for us girls.’ Hung up and retrieved vague memory of promising to have holiday with Audrey Coles and Una. Will never touch sherry again. Phoned back and explained couldn’t go, as am devoted wife and potential grandmother.
Friday, 1 January 2010
RESOLUTIONS
I WILL NOT
buy magazines with photos of skinny models
pretend to be natural blonde
keep reminding Colin about state of garage
have pointless fantasies about younger men
criticise Una’s clothes
believe anything ever said by charming young politician
I WILL
lose 10lbs
get roots done every 6 weeks
use pasta maker (or at least get out of box)
start spending savings as can’t take it with you
spend more time with Bridget
devote self to family
buy only organic food
find out what organic means
learn to get computer going myself instead of making Colin pick up emails for me
1 January
10st 4½ (wasting away due to maternal worry), fantasy grandchildren admired by Hugh Grant 3 (but resolutions never start before January 2nd), fantasy victory on Countdown 1.
6.30 p.m. We are going to be late, even though I got Colin into his freshly pressed casual slacks and new Argyll sweater over an hour ago. Instead of quietly reading the newspaper he (and I quote) ‘just thought he’d check the spark plug on the lawnmower.’ Result – grease not only on the slacks but on sweater too. Got him into his second best and put the nice clothes in a strong solution of biological powder to soak.
8.30 p.m. Where is Bridget? She promised me faithfully she would be here on time. I promised Una she would be here. If she doesn’t come it’ll look as if she doesn’t love her mother. Oh to hell with it, will just have another small sherry and… oh, they’re playing Elvis. Must dance.
1.30 a.m. Ooh, feel 16 again (but no acne). Danced all night, I think.
I WILL NOT
buy magazines with photos of skinny models
pretend to be natural blonde
keep reminding Colin about state of garage
have pointless fantasies about younger men
criticise Una’s clothes
believe anything ever said by charming young politician
I WILL
lose 10lbs
get roots done every 6 weeks
use pasta maker (or at least get out of box)
start spending savings as can’t take it with you
spend more time with Bridget
devote self to family
buy only organic food
find out what organic means
learn to get computer going myself instead of making Colin pick up emails for me
1 January
10st 4½ (wasting away due to maternal worry), fantasy grandchildren admired by Hugh Grant 3 (but resolutions never start before January 2nd), fantasy victory on Countdown 1.
6.30 p.m. We are going to be late, even though I got Colin into his freshly pressed casual slacks and new Argyll sweater over an hour ago. Instead of quietly reading the newspaper he (and I quote) ‘just thought he’d check the spark plug on the lawnmower.’ Result – grease not only on the slacks but on sweater too. Got him into his second best and put the nice clothes in a strong solution of biological powder to soak.
8.30 p.m. Where is Bridget? She promised me faithfully she would be here on time. I promised Una she would be here. If she doesn’t come it’ll look as if she doesn’t love her mother. Oh to hell with it, will just have another small sherry and… oh, they’re playing Elvis. Must dance.
1.30 a.m. Ooh, feel 16 again (but no acne). Danced all night, I think.
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