Weight unknown, but must be huge after living off burgers and cake for a week. Guilty conscience alone must weigh several stones.
04.12 a.m. Can’t sleep. Can’t bear the thought of having to face Colin. How will Una face Geoffrey and Audrey face Nigel? We have all thrown away decades of dutiful wifely behaviour, and for what?
04.17 a.m. It was rather nice actually.
04.18 a.m. Is holding hands adultery? Is it grounds for divorce?
06.53 a.m. Have just realised I didn’t catch the sun at all. Can’t go home looking like I haven’t had a holiday – luckily brought some fake tan with me. Will just slap some on before we leave.
10.43 a.m. Have retreated to Ladies room at the airport to hide head in shame. Una has been showing me the photos on her digital camera, her and Audrey on the beach with the taxi driver and the waiter. And their wives. And their children. Their whole week has been perfectly innocent, all because they missed their grandchildren. They even babysat one evening so the waiter and the taxi driver could take their wives out, while I was, I was… can’t bear to think about it.
10.59 a.m. Have just spend 10 minutes trying to hand in book I found in the Ladies. Could not understand rudimentary English of person on the help desk, until American behind me said ‘excuse me ma’am, but what you have there is a Book Crossing book – the idea is you read it then leave it somewhere for another reader to find.’ So I have to keep it. Am not interested in football (or any other sport – with a title like Talking Balls who can tell?) but it will distract me on the flight.
18.12 Nearly home. Fake tan has turned orange. Will just have to brazen it out. Colin will only talk balls at me anyway – it’s what men do apparently (book was about feminism, not football). And apparently I need some Me time after years of being enslaved to men.
18.14 Have texted Julio. Would be nice to see him next time he’s in England.
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Friday, 29 January 2010
No need of scales, am perfect woman apparently, Hugh Grant fantasies 0, Colin Firth fantasies 0, real life events many.
08.33 a.m. Spent yesterday with Julio. Looked out of window after breakfast and there was his Merc, with him leaning casually against bonnet, immaculately dressed with lemon jumper slung round his shoulders. Looks just like Louis Jourdan in Three Coins in the Fountain. Wonderful day, but at the end told him I was happily married woman and not to come round here again.
08.47 a.m. Will just see if Audrey and Una are awake. Will spend the day with them and try to mend a few bridges.
08.48 a.m. Found a note in the kitchen ‘gone to the beach – enjoy your lie in. We’ll be near the beach café, do come and join us.’ Oh dear, really don’t fancy playing gooseberry to the pair of them with the waiter and the taxi driver. And look, there’s Julio waiting outside. Naughty boy. Will just go and tell him to give up, since I belong to another.
11.36 p.m. Another perfect day with a perfect gentleman. He calls me Pamela – not Pam or Pammy (sometimes catch Colin staring at me with puzzled expression, as if not entirely sure what I’m called). Julio opens the car door for me and helps me into my coat. We found a deserted beach and walked on it, holding hands. He gently removed my turban and somehow I didn’t care about the roots (hardly show anyway).
11.37 p.m. Am a scarlet woman. Just like Una and Audrey.
08.33 a.m. Spent yesterday with Julio. Looked out of window after breakfast and there was his Merc, with him leaning casually against bonnet, immaculately dressed with lemon jumper slung round his shoulders. Looks just like Louis Jourdan in Three Coins in the Fountain. Wonderful day, but at the end told him I was happily married woman and not to come round here again.
08.47 a.m. Will just see if Audrey and Una are awake. Will spend the day with them and try to mend a few bridges.
08.48 a.m. Found a note in the kitchen ‘gone to the beach – enjoy your lie in. We’ll be near the beach café, do come and join us.’ Oh dear, really don’t fancy playing gooseberry to the pair of them with the waiter and the taxi driver. And look, there’s Julio waiting outside. Naughty boy. Will just go and tell him to give up, since I belong to another.
11.36 p.m. Another perfect day with a perfect gentleman. He calls me Pamela – not Pam or Pammy (sometimes catch Colin staring at me with puzzled expression, as if not entirely sure what I’m called). Julio opens the car door for me and helps me into my coat. We found a deserted beach and walked on it, holding hands. He gently removed my turban and somehow I didn’t care about the roots (hardly show anyway).
11.37 p.m. Am a scarlet woman. Just like Una and Audrey.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Wish there were scales here, have barely eaten a thing for 24 hours due to wifely worry, Maeve Binchy’s finished 2, husband dead in gutter fantasies too many to count.
07.14 am. What a terrible 24 hours. Spent all day yesterday trying to get in touch with Colin. Goodness knows what they thought of me in the café, constantly phoning. In the end in desperation I phoned Mavis Enderby and asked her to go round there. She said it was a bit late and she’d go in the morning.
10.47 am. Text from Mavis. ‘Colin fine, drank too much so stayed night with Roderick and Gerald, then spent the day at the driving range. Says you left 38 messages on the answering service and no need to fuss.’ What a relief. Colin is OK. Must have some breakfast.
11.02 am. Mmm, must admit the coffee here is good, and someone left a cake out in the kitchen. Need comfort food after what I’ve been through… wait a minute, stayed the night? STAYED THE NIGHT!!! And Mavis knows – I can just imagine what that mucky little mind of hers will make of that. It’ll be all round the village before I get home.
11.07 am. No need to fuss? NO NEED TO FUSS!!!
11.08 am That’s it. Have had enough. Will get bike out and find Una and Audrey, must be on the beach somewhere.
00.17 pm, or am? Thursday really, but who cares. Got lost, missed beach entirely and ended up with puncture by ruined castle inland somewhere. Rescued by knight, no shining armour, shining Mercedes though. Scooped me up, took me to lunch, showed me round local area, took me to dinner in quiet little place only the locals use, with live music. A bit screechy (fardo? farder?) but probably an acquired taste. Dropped me back here a few mins ago, Audrey popped head out of bedroom and said ‘there you are – we missed you at the café.’ I said ‘burger and chips?’ she said ‘yes’ and closed bedroom door.
07.14 am. What a terrible 24 hours. Spent all day yesterday trying to get in touch with Colin. Goodness knows what they thought of me in the café, constantly phoning. In the end in desperation I phoned Mavis Enderby and asked her to go round there. She said it was a bit late and she’d go in the morning.
10.47 am. Text from Mavis. ‘Colin fine, drank too much so stayed night with Roderick and Gerald, then spent the day at the driving range. Says you left 38 messages on the answering service and no need to fuss.’ What a relief. Colin is OK. Must have some breakfast.
11.02 am. Mmm, must admit the coffee here is good, and someone left a cake out in the kitchen. Need comfort food after what I’ve been through… wait a minute, stayed the night? STAYED THE NIGHT!!! And Mavis knows – I can just imagine what that mucky little mind of hers will make of that. It’ll be all round the village before I get home.
11.07 am. No need to fuss? NO NEED TO FUSS!!!
11.08 am That’s it. Have had enough. Will get bike out and find Una and Audrey, must be on the beach somewhere.
00.17 pm, or am? Thursday really, but who cares. Got lost, missed beach entirely and ended up with puncture by ruined castle inland somewhere. Rescued by knight, no shining armour, shining Mercedes though. Scooped me up, took me to lunch, showed me round local area, took me to dinner in quiet little place only the locals use, with live music. A bit screechy (fardo? farder?) but probably an acquired taste. Dropped me back here a few mins ago, Audrey popped head out of bedroom and said ‘there you are – we missed you at the café.’ I said ‘burger and chips?’ she said ‘yes’ and closed bedroom door.
Monday, 25 January 2010
No scales in Alubfeira, so to hell with it, Hugh Grant fantasies 0, Colin Firth fantasies 2, murdering Una and Audrey fantasies 17
10.28 Still in bed, no sleep again last night, Audrey and Una giggling like schoolgirls till the early hours. Villa has one double room and one tiny single, which I have because, Una said ‘we know you like your privacy Pam’. Double room opens on to the balcony, single doesn’t, but don’t care as there is no view. Plus also no swimming pool, apparently we are going to swim in the sea. And apparently ‘we’ i.e. Audrey and Una decided not to hire a car, instead we’ve got bikes. Have not ridden a bike since school and don’t intend to start now.
12.37 Lunching in the villa off dry bread and apricot jam, which I also had for breakfast. Audrey and Una have gone down to the café at the end of the road (‘no point in spending the holiday cooking Pam’). Well I tried it last night, never again – all they had was a freezer full of burgers and chips. No call for anything else in January apparently – the owner is a retired bus driver from Birmingham and burger and chips is the only thing he can ‘cook’. Apparently in summer he employs a local cook but, you guessed it, not worth it in January.
15.53 Curled up in bed with a Maeve Binchy – very comforting. Have brought all the wrong clothes and can’t get warm. Heating in villa doesn’t work of course. Audrey and Una have cycled to the beach to meet up with two new ‘friends’ they met at the café – a taxi driver and a waiter, both with nothing to do at this time of year. Hero of Maeve’s book is just like Colin Firth in the in-flight movie. Best thing about the holiday so far…
17. 46 No sign of Audrey and Una. Tried to phone Colin on mobile but it doesn’t seem to work here.
17. 48 I mean my Colin, not Colin Firth, although possibility of misdial or crossed line leading to long talk with Colin Firth is rather fun.
18.03 Tried from the phone in the café. No answer.
18.17 No answer. Oh, I can see Audrey and Una outside. On their own and pushing their bikes.
19.12 Still no answer. Audrey and Una insist I stay for burger and chips – Audrey has wine in her saddlebag. Why not.
22.34 No answer. Who cares?
23.19. An answer! Curry house in Nottingham never heard of Colin Jones. Charming though, very nice people. Long chat. Bedtime now though.
10.28 Still in bed, no sleep again last night, Audrey and Una giggling like schoolgirls till the early hours. Villa has one double room and one tiny single, which I have because, Una said ‘we know you like your privacy Pam’. Double room opens on to the balcony, single doesn’t, but don’t care as there is no view. Plus also no swimming pool, apparently we are going to swim in the sea. And apparently ‘we’ i.e. Audrey and Una decided not to hire a car, instead we’ve got bikes. Have not ridden a bike since school and don’t intend to start now.
12.37 Lunching in the villa off dry bread and apricot jam, which I also had for breakfast. Audrey and Una have gone down to the café at the end of the road (‘no point in spending the holiday cooking Pam’). Well I tried it last night, never again – all they had was a freezer full of burgers and chips. No call for anything else in January apparently – the owner is a retired bus driver from Birmingham and burger and chips is the only thing he can ‘cook’. Apparently in summer he employs a local cook but, you guessed it, not worth it in January.
15.53 Curled up in bed with a Maeve Binchy – very comforting. Have brought all the wrong clothes and can’t get warm. Heating in villa doesn’t work of course. Audrey and Una have cycled to the beach to meet up with two new ‘friends’ they met at the café – a taxi driver and a waiter, both with nothing to do at this time of year. Hero of Maeve’s book is just like Colin Firth in the in-flight movie. Best thing about the holiday so far…
17. 46 No sign of Audrey and Una. Tried to phone Colin on mobile but it doesn’t seem to work here.
17. 48 I mean my Colin, not Colin Firth, although possibility of misdial or crossed line leading to long talk with Colin Firth is rather fun.
18.03 Tried from the phone in the café. No answer.
18.17 No answer. Oh, I can see Audrey and Una outside. On their own and pushing their bikes.
19.12 Still no answer. Audrey and Una insist I stay for burger and chips – Audrey has wine in her saddlebag. Why not.
22.34 No answer. Who cares?
23.19. An answer! Curry house in Nottingham never heard of Colin Jones. Charming though, very nice people. Long chat. Bedtime now though.
Friday, 22 January 2010
60-something, whatever, no time as busy packing.
16.46 Phew, what a marathon, but at long last everything is pressed and folded in tissue paper and laid out on the spare bed. Hard work, but as my mother used to say, Pamela, if you pack properly you will never have to spend your holiday ironing (have packed travel iron just in case though). Have managed very nice capsule wardrobe with last summer’s basics plus a couple of extras from the Sales. Navy as the base colour (slimming) with a few touches of soft apricot. Have even found a turban that co-ordinates as sun wreaks havoc with my hair… oh my godfathers, my hair! My roots! Cannot go to Albufeira with roots showing, which they don’t now but hair will inevitably grow an inch while I’m snoozing on the plane – must phone Maison Kevin, I know it’s Friday but I’m a good customer and they will fit me in, I know they will.
16.48 Disaster. Total disaster. Kevin has swine flu and they’ve closed the salon as a precaution. Could get Colin to run me into town, if he were here, which he isn’t as he’s out ‘giving Roderick a hand with his lawnmower.’ Can’t go to Albufeira. Must go. Will spend entire holiday in turban. Will pretend have earache.
16.46 Phew, what a marathon, but at long last everything is pressed and folded in tissue paper and laid out on the spare bed. Hard work, but as my mother used to say, Pamela, if you pack properly you will never have to spend your holiday ironing (have packed travel iron just in case though). Have managed very nice capsule wardrobe with last summer’s basics plus a couple of extras from the Sales. Navy as the base colour (slimming) with a few touches of soft apricot. Have even found a turban that co-ordinates as sun wreaks havoc with my hair… oh my godfathers, my hair! My roots! Cannot go to Albufeira with roots showing, which they don’t now but hair will inevitably grow an inch while I’m snoozing on the plane – must phone Maison Kevin, I know it’s Friday but I’m a good customer and they will fit me in, I know they will.
16.48 Disaster. Total disaster. Kevin has swine flu and they’ve closed the salon as a precaution. Could get Colin to run me into town, if he were here, which he isn’t as he’s out ‘giving Roderick a hand with his lawnmower.’ Can’t go to Albufeira. Must go. Will spend entire holiday in turban. Will pretend have earache.
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