Weight unknown, but must be huge after living off burgers and cake for a week. Guilty conscience alone must weigh several stones.

04.12 a.m. Can’t sleep. Can’t bear the thought of having to face Colin. How will Una face Geoffrey and Audrey face Nigel? We have all thrown away decades of dutiful wifely behaviour, and for what?

04.17 a.m. It was rather nice actually.

04.18 a.m. Is holding hands adultery? Is it grounds for divorce?

06.53 a.m. Have just realised I didn’t catch the sun at all. Can’t go home looking like I haven’t had a holiday – luckily brought some fake tan with me. Will just slap some on before we leave.

10.43 a.m. Have retreated to Ladies room at the airport to hide head in shame. Una has been showing me the photos on her digital camera, her and Audrey on the beach with the taxi driver and the waiter. And their wives. And their children. Their whole week has been perfectly innocent, all because they missed their grandchildren. They even babysat one evening so the waiter and the taxi driver could take their wives out, while I was, I was… can’t bear to think about it.

10.59 a.m. Have just spend 10 minutes trying to hand in book I found in the Ladies. Could not understand rudimentary English of person on the help desk, until American behind me said ‘excuse me ma’am, but what you have there is a Book Crossing book – the idea is you read it then leave it somewhere for another reader to find.’ So I have to keep it. Am not interested in football (or any other sport – with a title like Talking Balls who can tell?) but it will distract me on the flight.

18.12 Nearly home. Fake tan has turned orange. Will just have to brazen it out. Colin will only talk balls at me anyway – it’s what men do apparently (book was about feminism, not football). And apparently I need some Me time after years of being enslaved to men.

18.14 Have texted Julio. Would be nice to see him next time he’s in England.