Saturday February 13th

65 kilos. Can’t eat, keep throwing half my portion in the bin.
10.42 Yesterday morning C. suddenly said he was ready to talk. Sat him down and opened my mouth to repeat my list of complaints (it goes round and round in my head all day) but before I could make a sound he started. He said ‘I said talk, not listen, it’s my turn now.’ Can hardly bear to think of it. The things he said to me. Hang on, need a tissue.

10.44 Apparently he knew as I walked up the aisle it was a mistake, but ‘didn’t like to make a fuss.’ All very well, but he’s forgetting that I was there that day. He was so hungover from his stag night he had trouble standing straight and certainly was in no fit state to know anything. Was sick round the back of the church as soon as we got out, and looks like death in the photos. Need another tissue.

10.46 Accused me of micro-management. I said ‘and what, pray, might that be?’ He mumbled something. Obviously didn’t have the first idea what it was. Tissue.

10.49 So the upshot is we are to have a trial separation as he ‘needs some space.’ I said I wasn’t leaving the house, my conscience was clear and I’d kept my hand on my ha’penny all through the Julio business. When I think of the fun I could have had, it makes my blood boil.

2.00 Can’t settle to anything. Phoned Bridget, out as usual, but left message I would bring her lunch tomorrow. Salmon, always her favourite.

Thursday February 11th

07.30 Colin has been avoiding me. Spent most of Tuesday driving the Community Bus – very praiseworthy but hardly likely to save our marriage. I did an extra turn at the charity shop to take my mind off it. Was determined to catch him on Wednesday but he slipped out before dawn. Left a note saying he’d decided after all to go on the Probus trip to Chocolate World. Pure cowardice, he doesn’t even like chocolate, he’s left half a Snickers in the fridge since before Christmas. So I went shopping to cheer myself up – totally failed. Still I’ve foiled him today – I’m up first. The car keys are in my apron pocket.

09.12 After breakfast C. made a break for the shed, muttering about the state of the grass (shaved nearly bald actually) but I got between him and the back door and stared him down. He said ‘it’s that dripping tap, isn’t it, I’ll do it tomorrow I promise.’ I said ‘go in the lounge and sit down. I’ll be in in a minute.’ That was ten minutes ago. Am trying to nerve myself up to it.

18.37. Have been talking all day. Voice has gone. Both exhausted. C asleep on the sofa. Didn’t even stop for lunch, only stopped when Una phoned, very curious and asking awkard questions. Will have another frozen shepherd’s pie. It isn’t really convenience food, since I made it in the first place.

21.16 Phone kept ringing and ringing. Thought it was probably Una again. Finally thought I’d better answer before she came round, but it was Bridget. Made an excuse and hung up.