No scales in Alubfeira, so to hell with it, Hugh Grant fantasies 0, Colin Firth fantasies 2, murdering Una and Audrey fantasies 17

10.28 Still in bed, no sleep again last night, Audrey and Una giggling like schoolgirls till the early hours. Villa has one double room and one tiny single, which I have because, Una said ‘we know you like your privacy Pam’. Double room opens on to the balcony, single doesn’t, but don’t care as there is no view. Plus also no swimming pool, apparently we are going to swim in the sea. And apparently ‘we’ i.e. Audrey and Una decided not to hire a car, instead we’ve got bikes. Have not ridden a bike since school and don’t intend to start now.

12.37 Lunching in the villa off dry bread and apricot jam, which I also had for breakfast. Audrey and Una have gone down to the café at the end of the road (‘no point in spending the holiday cooking Pam’). Well I tried it last night, never again – all they had was a freezer full of burgers and chips. No call for anything else in January apparently – the owner is a retired bus driver from Birmingham and burger and chips is the only thing he can ‘cook’. Apparently in summer he employs a local cook but, you guessed it, not worth it in January.

15.53 Curled up in bed with a Maeve Binchy – very comforting. Have brought all the wrong clothes and can’t get warm. Heating in villa doesn’t work of course. Audrey and Una have cycled to the beach to meet up with two new ‘friends’ they met at the café – a taxi driver and a waiter, both with nothing to do at this time of year. Hero of Maeve’s book is just like Colin Firth in the in-flight movie. Best thing about the holiday so far…

17. 46 No sign of Audrey and Una. Tried to phone Colin on mobile but it doesn’t seem to work here.

17. 48 I mean my Colin, not Colin Firth, although possibility of misdial or crossed line leading to long talk with Colin Firth is rather fun.

18.03 Tried from the phone in the café. No answer.

18.17 No answer. Oh, I can see Audrey and Una outside. On their own and pushing their bikes.

19.12 Still no answer. Audrey and Una insist I stay for burger and chips – Audrey has wine in her saddlebag. Why not.

22.34 No answer. Who cares?

23.19. An answer! Curry house in Nottingham never heard of Colin Jones. Charming though, very nice people. Long chat. Bedtime now though.